[He bites it down, the jealous feeling.] I understand completely you wanting to be cautious about it. These are children you're trying to bring into the world. I'd be cautious, too.
I figured you would understand that part, at least. [Maybe not the rest of it. Hell, she can't even imagine he's too thrilled about the idea.] Look, I know this is... all sorts of awkward...
[He shakes his head.] I shouldn't even factor into this, Jan. I'm not your husband anymore. Hell, I'm barely more than a medical consultant. If you feel you're ready for kids, then do it. The only people's opinions that should matter are yours and Tony's.
Which is your way of saying that you're not exactly thrilled about this, but you're not going to say anything. You're just going keep it bottled up with the rest of it. No, Henry. You don't factor into this and we've been divorced for a very long time now. Your opinion holds about as much weight as anyone else and that's not much.
... but, despite everything that has happened to us, you're my fr-- you're supposed to be my friend. That means something to me.
And what can I say to you that won't either make you feel bad or make me sound petty as all Hell, Jan? That I'm jealous? Because I am. I'm very much jealous of you and Tony right now. I'm jealous of Aeron, Matthew, and Jen. You're planning a life with him, you're planning a child. And what do I get? A woman who won't talk to me beyond missions or planning what weekend I get to have my son. Students who can't decide whether I'm scum or not half the time, and don't get me wrong, I love those kids, but I need a personal life, too.
[He sighs and finally sits down, but on a different piece of furniture.] I see everyone else, and how they're happy, or at least managing, and here I am. You know, most people I meet that don't know me? Avoid me because of my reputation.
I'm just...I'm just sick of it all, Jan. You don't know just how.
Sweetheart, I know that life is constantly dealing you a shitty hand, but you're better than all of this. You're better than jealousy. Hell, what's there to be jealous of in the first place? We didn't want any of this, Henry. Remember? We talked about it a few times, each time the answer was the same. We could barely manage our personal lives.
If there were something I could do or say to make this better, I would. You know that, right? Regardless of our history, you're still a very important part of my life. Regardless of where we are in our own lives or how well we're getting along at any given moment, that's never going to change...
Yes. We did. Which is why I didn't want to bring it up at all. I could deal with all of it, given time, without you having to worry about anything I say or awkward conversation in the future. As for what's to be jealous of? Just because we agreed it probably would be for the best to keep as we are, I still love you, and you know that. It isn't something I've tried hiding. So yes. I'm jealous.
I do know, and you've been an immense help, Janet. But there are things I still need to sort out for myself.
...While, we're on the subject of help, though, the van Dyne Foundation's been surveying the property the school's on. Making an addition to the premises separate but still near the school is entirely possible.
It's not exactly anything you've made obvious either. Then again, we haven't seen much of each other lately. With good reason, maybe; I don't know. I guess I can't assume anything with you. I barely know what's going on inside that head of yours under normal circumstances...
I didn't ask you to come here to stir anything up, I do hope you realize that. I want to be able to be friends, Henry. You're the only person who knows what you did. I needed a questioned answered and you answered it. I mean, we're not exactly going around telling everyone our business. I need us to be good enough friends that I can trust you with this. Hell, I just need you to be my friend. If I knew you this was going to upset you, I might have gone to Reed or Hank McCoy...
I have to ask, though: are you and Tony going to get along well enough for that kind of proximity?
I'm not upset. Not very much, at least. Just a bit....surprised, maybe? I didn't even know you were thinking about it. I was caught off guard. It got to me.
I know you didn't. And Reed would have told someone before you wanted anyone knowing in some sort of off-hand manner. Hank would at least keep it under wraps unless someone wheedled it out of him, which is honestly hard to do. I won't tell anyone, I swear.
That's completely dependent on Tony. If he can stay civil, so can I.
Honestly? It wasn't even something I'd really thought I wanted. It was-- you and William, you know? Seeing you with him, it got all of that going. I was jealous. It was just... not an option for us and I was fine with that. When we got married, I really did think I'd be perfectly happy with just you and me. I was young and rich and a newlywed and I wanted to be that perfect little trophy wife and when I wasn't that, I was an Avenger and it wasn't fair to any child to be the parent who was constantly putting their life in danger. What if something happened, Henry? I couldn't force a child to go through what I went through with my mother.
... but every once in awhile? I thought about it. I can't say I never did. Briefly, early on in England, before all the fighting started up again. I always knew you were going to be an amazing father and seeing you with William just proved it-- and then it reminded me that I'm getting old. We all are. All of the sudden, it was just something I wanted.
[There's a half-hearted chuckle, and she is trying, really. She's not really sure how to feel here. It's just an awkward, uncomfortable situation all around.] Well, thank God I have you, huh? I-- I really appreciate this, you know. Tony would never say it, but I'm sure he feels the same way on... some level. [No point in sugar coating it.]
I'll talk to him. I can't promise anything, but I'll talk to him.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2012-08-17 01:23 am (UTC)Of course.
no subject
Date: 2012-08-17 01:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-08-17 01:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-08-17 01:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-08-17 01:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-08-17 01:37 am (UTC)... but, despite everything that has happened to us, you're my fr-- you're supposed to be my friend. That means something to me.
no subject
Date: 2012-08-18 05:40 pm (UTC)[He sighs and finally sits down, but on a different piece of furniture.] I see everyone else, and how they're happy, or at least managing, and here I am. You know, most people I meet that don't know me? Avoid me because of my reputation.
I'm just...I'm just sick of it all, Jan. You don't know just how.
no subject
Date: 2012-08-18 06:16 pm (UTC)If there were something I could do or say to make this better, I would. You know that, right? Regardless of our history, you're still a very important part of my life. Regardless of where we are in our own lives or how well we're getting along at any given moment, that's never going to change...
no subject
Date: 2012-08-19 04:49 am (UTC)I do know, and you've been an immense help, Janet. But there are things I still need to sort out for myself.
...While, we're on the subject of help, though, the van Dyne Foundation's been surveying the property the school's on. Making an addition to the premises separate but still near the school is entirely possible.
no subject
Date: 2012-08-19 06:27 am (UTC)I didn't ask you to come here to stir anything up, I do hope you realize that. I want to be able to be friends, Henry. You're the only person who knows what you did. I needed a questioned answered and you answered it. I mean, we're not exactly going around telling everyone our business. I need us to be good enough friends that I can trust you with this. Hell, I just need you to be my friend. If I knew you this was going to upset you, I might have gone to Reed or Hank McCoy...
I have to ask, though: are you and Tony going to get along well enough for that kind of proximity?
no subject
Date: 2012-08-19 06:33 am (UTC)I know you didn't. And Reed would have told someone before you wanted anyone knowing in some sort of off-hand manner. Hank would at least keep it under wraps unless someone wheedled it out of him, which is honestly hard to do. I won't tell anyone, I swear.
That's completely dependent on Tony. If he can stay civil, so can I.
no subject
Date: 2012-08-19 07:16 am (UTC)... but every once in awhile? I thought about it. I can't say I never did. Briefly, early on in England, before all the fighting started up again. I always knew you were going to be an amazing father and seeing you with William just proved it-- and then it reminded me that I'm getting old. We all are. All of the sudden, it was just something I wanted.
[There's a half-hearted chuckle, and she is trying, really. She's not really sure how to feel here. It's just an awkward, uncomfortable situation all around.] Well, thank God I have you, huh? I-- I really appreciate this, you know. Tony would never say it, but I'm sure he feels the same way on... some level. [No point in sugar coating it.]
I'll talk to him. I can't promise anything, but I'll talk to him.